Helping your child grieve a loss

By Stacie Gaetz

The loss of a loved one takes a huge toll on every member of the family.

The last thing you want to do when you are feeling the deep-seeded pain of a death is teach someone something but how you cope with your feelings is important. Your actions and coping mechanisms can become a road map for how your children will deal with loss now and in the future.

Like most things in their lives, grieving is a learned skill. Children need to be taught how to approach their grief in a healthy way.

Happy/sad

The biggest part of that process is letting them know that sadness (even immense, overwhelming, debilitating sorrow) and happiness can coexist.

Although remembering time with your loved one is a source of extreme pain right now, it will not always be. As time goes on, those memories will be cherished and revisited again and again accompanied by both happy and sad tears.

Children can feel confusion or guilt when they have conflicting feelings such as being excited about a school event or upcoming activity when they “should be” sad. Let them know that it is important to still have things to look forward to (if they feel up for it). Tell them that their loved one would want them to still enjoy life and be happy when something good happens.

Let them feel it

This is admittedly the hardest part for most parents. Although we want to protect them from pain more than anything in the world, doing so does more harm than good. This is especially true in the case of grief. They must feel the pain to process the loss and eventually move on with their lives. This is a tremendously hard lesson to learn whether you are two or 82, but it is a necessary one.

The key here is that children are allowed to talk about the person they lost and not feel judged or that they are upsetting others. Of course, talking about the loved one will bring tears but that is okay, and that message should be conveyed to the child. They should also be told that any feelings they are experiencing are acceptable. Guilt, anger, resentment, jealousy, and confusion are all normal (and even healthy) parts of the grieving process.

However, just because the feelings are valid, some actions are not. It should be made clear what acceptable ways of dealing with strong emotions like anger may be. Examples can include playing loud music, screaming into a pillow and/or punching a punching bag.

Reminisce

Happy and sad memories can not only co-exist, but they should also be celebrated and talked about often. One way to do this is to make sure your child has their own photos of their loved ones. They can put them in a photo album or scrapbook with written memories and stories.

They can also write a “letter” to the person. This can be kept somewhere safe at home or sent up in the sky on a helium balloon.

Some children find drawing therapeutic, or you could work together to write a story about your loved on going on a made-up adventure. Many people create pillows or blankets from a loved one’s articles of clothing.

Try to think about causes that were important to your loved one and see if there is a way to volunteer, donate or give back in another way.

Maintain schedules

Routines and consistency create a sense of safety and security for children and adults alike.

Of course, you know what is best for your child but in a time that you may be tempted to keep them home from school, getting out of the house, being around their friends and the distraction of schoolwork may be the best thing for them.

Another benefit of regular routines is that they give kids a sense of control and knowing what will come next. The death of a loved one, especially an unexpected death, can make children feel like the ground has fallen out from underneath them. Knowing that soccer will still happen at 5pm on Wednesday or that they don’t have to miss their dance recital next weekend can give them a sense of security.

On the other hand, if children tell you they do not want to attend certain events, they should not be forced to (at least for the time being).

It is a delicate balance of knowing what they can handle and acknowledging that anxiety and hesitation to leave their remaining loved ones is a part of the grieving process.

Be there

If you oversee the logistics after a person close to you has died, there is a lot to do. However, it is important that you take time out of your day to let your child know that you are there for them.

Give them your full attention (at least for a part of the day) and tell them that they can ask you any questions they have. Try your best to answer them honestly. If you don’t have the answer to a question, tell them that and work with them to try and find the answer.

Young children may ask the same questions over and over. It can be difficult to remain patient, but it is important that you try to and repeat your answers as they need to hear them.

You can ask them questions as well such as “How are you feeling?” but try to keep them simple and not to inundate them with inquiries.

You should also set some quiet time aside where you can just be together. This can include reading, watching a movie or laying with them before bed.

Lastly, reassure them about their future and safety and that of other family members.

Adjust expectations

Grief affects everyone differently and the impacts can be more obvious in children who are less likely to hide them.

Regression in young children can cause a four-year-old who has been potty trained for years to revert to having accidents, a school-aged child may start to do poorly in subjects they used to excel in, other children will have drastic changes in their sleep and eating schedules.

Your eight-year-old may start having toddler-like tantrums and your regularly social 10-year-old may spend more time alone in their room.

It can be hard not to know what your child will act like at any given moment or what small action of yours will set them off, but these are all expected parts of grieving.

Try to remember that these changes are temporary, and you are probably not in for a permanent future of drastic mood swings and power struggles.

Seek help

No matter the kind of grief your child is experiencing, it is important that you seek out resources to help them. Whether this means doing your research and finding ways to help them (like this article), a counselor (at school or another source), a psychologist, a spiritual leader or a support group, these options can help your child acknowledge, understand, and cope with their feelings.

It’s also important to seek help from those in your support circle. You can accept a dinner that a neighbor has cooked for you or allow a friend or relative to take your children out for a day of fun so you can get some things done. There is no shame in letting your loved ones help you during this difficult time.

The most important thing to remember when helping your child cope with grief is that although it may not ever truly go away, they will smile and laugh again. They will take joy in the things they used to and with these coping strategies, they will continue to come to you as their comfort and teacher.