Decreasing Discipline: Encouraging the behavior you want to see

By Stacie Gaetz

Some of the most common questions I see online regarding parenting revolve around discipline.

• “How can I get my kid to stop _________?”
• “What is the best way to dole out consequences?”
• “How can I teach my child that no means no?”

These are all valid questions and there are occasions when discipline is required, and consequences should be considered.

However, there are also many instances each day where the behavior we don’t want to see from our children could have been avoided with a bit more care and attention from us as parents.

Rather than always resorting to “punishments” or “discipline,” it can be simpler than you think to take preventative actions and avoid the problem behavior all together.

The key to this positive parenting strategy is to focus on what the child is doing right.

You can do this both before an undesirable behavior takes place (to try to avoid it) or after (in an effort to let your child know that they can do things the acceptable way and you know they will next time).

Spend quality time together

The only way to praise children for doing the right thing, and therefore set them for success in future behavior, is to be with them and notice what they are doing.

With your busy work schedule and their packed school and extracurricular activities, this can be difficult, but it is important that you try your best to carve out some time together throughout the week.

A common misconception is that you need to spend large amounts of time with your children to bond and make meaningful connections. Although this would be ideal, it isn’t necessarily true. Finding small amounts of time more often during the week to do the things they like with them, without the distractions, can go a long way.

Ensuring that distractions like your phone are put away for 15 minutes to a half an hour each day (sometimes right before bed works best) and giving them positive attention is a great way to connect with your child and prevent them from participating in negative behavior to get your attention.

Talk with them

During these slices of time together, make sure you are 100 percent available to them.

Get down on their level (if they are small) and ask questions about what they are doing.

Take the time to learn about what interests them and talk to them about it.

Thank them for helping when they do something without asking.

Tell them they did a great job on their school project.

Show your appreciation when they play nicely with their sibling or solve a problem with their brother or sister without involving you.

Makes sure you are genuine and specific in your praise.

You can say, “Your art project is so colorful. I really like how you used blue, pink, and purple to color in the sky!” rather than “Good job on your drawing.”

These gestures may seem small but to a child who is often only told what they are doing wrong, being praised for doing the right thing can go a long way to ensuring they do it again and again.

You can also let them know how their behavior helps the day go more smoothly. “Wow! You tidied up all of your toys by yourself while I was cleaning the kitchen so now, we have more time to play together before school! What would you like to do?”

Lastly, if they have behaved in a way you do not like, you can talk to them about how they could have done things different (after everyone has had a chance to calm down) and tell them that you are confident they will act in the more constructive way in the future.

“Instead of screaming and crying when your sister took your toy, how could you have gotten my attention?”

“That’s right! You could have come and touched my arm and calmly told me the problem so we could come up with a solution together. I know that is what you will do the next time and when you do, I will pay attention immediately and help you.”

Give them (some) control

Often when kids act out, it is because they feel a lack of control around many of the things that happen in their lives. They are told when to get up, eat, get ready, play, clean up, get in the car… etc. Sometimes they feel the only thing they can control is how they behave in reaction to being told what to do.

If you give them small amounts of control in a safe way throughout the day, they will resist less when you ask them to do something they may not really want to do.

Let them choose the pink or blue bowl. Ask them which playground they want to go to. Let them decide if you take the dog for a walk before or after lunch. Ask them if they want to clean up now or in five minutes.

This can take a bit of pre-planning on your part, but it will end up taking less time than dealing with the tantrum or screaming match that can follow when you ask them to do something without any warning or choice.

Make sure you don’t give them a choice if you are not willing or able to go through with one of the options. “You can go to the grocery store or stay home by yourself,” isn’t a reasonable choice for a young child but you could say “We can leave for the grocery store now or in five minutes” or “Do you want to wear your green or blue jacket to the grocery store?”

It is also important to keep the options to two or three when giving a choice for a small child. Too many choices will overwhelm or confuse them and could result in the tantrum or other negative behavior we are trying to avoid.

Taking the time to praise and thank your children for the behavior you want to see can go a long way to making sure you see that behavior more often.

When your children feel cared for and appreciated, they are less likely to behave in a negative way to get your attention, decreasing the need for discipline and creating a happier and healthier home environment for everyone in the family.