5 ways to deal with after-school restraint collapse

By Stacie Gaetz

Your kid walks in the door from school and explodes into a mess of feelings, frustrations and fights… sound familiar?

No, your offspring has not been replaced by a grumpier and unreasonable doppelganger in the seven hours they have been away from you. What you are experiencing is called after-school restraint collapse – and it’s real.

Angry, yelling meltdowns after school is a common occurrence caused by the fact that our kids have to “hold it together” in class – all day, every day. The good news is the fact that your kids release their true emotions when they get home means that they feel it is a safe space.

The bad news is, it can take its toll on everyone in the family.

So, what can you do to help?

1. Empathize

This is the most important but possibly the hardest step. Like the rest of us, during their moments of dysregulation, our kids just want to know that someone gets it and is there for them. Don’t ask questions, just offer statements like “It was a long day” and “I’m here for you.”

• Decompression Routine

Find out what your child likes to do to decompress after school. Some kids need to move to get the negative energy out, while others need quiet time to relax and be alone after an overstimulating day at school. Make this part of the daily routine. Knowing the activity that makes them feel better is coming at the end of the day can help lessen the intensity of the meltdown. After all, we are all creatures of habit.

• Give Them Time

One of the best ways to prevent after-school restraint collapse is by keeping things light at pick-up. Don’t bring up big topics or talk about school and homework right after you pick them up. Sometimes it is best to just listen to the radio on the ride home or tell them how your day went. Right after school may not be the best time for extracurricular activities or play dates so they have some time to relax.

• Feed Them

We are all a bit on edge when we are hungry. Make sure there is healthy snacks and water available to your child as soon as they get home from school. Sitting at the table and eating right after school can be another comforting and predictable part of their routine. If you want to avoid fights about what they should eat or hearing the inevitable “I don’t know what I want!” it can help to set up a bin in the pantry and/or fridge with healthy snacks that they can access themselves.

• Keep the Connection

Walk them to school even if they are old enough to walk themselves, send them an encouraging note in their lunch box, buy matching necklaces or bracelets to remind you of each other throughout the day, try to connect in the morning by eating breakfast together. However, you choose to do it, the main key to preventing meltdowns is connecting.

Final thoughts:

Although after-school restraint collapse is very common, it can sometimes be caused by a more concerning problem at school. Make sure you child knows (in calm times, after the storm has passed) that they can always come to you with any problems they have, and you will be there to help them solve it.

It is also crucial to remember that these outbursts are not tantrums (a child acting out to test boundaries) in younger children or “attitude” in older kids, they are a collapse or meltdown, because they are emotionally overwhelmed and can no longer “keep it together.” We have all experienced this feeling after a long day at work. Try not to be triggered by their behavior and do not take it personally.