How to raise courteous kids (without all the nagging)

By Stacie Gaetz

Were there a few less “pleases” and “thank yous” coming from your kids over the holidays than you would have liked?

Manners (or courtesy) are important in society and although using these “polite” words is a part of that, it is more about teaching our children the rules of social interaction and giving them the tools to get along with others in life.

Teach them the skills

When a child pushes another out of the way to get a toy or yells “mommy” at you 100 times while you are on the phone, it can be easy to get frustrated with them for being rude. It is important to remember they just lack the tools to know what to do instead.

When this happens, it is not time for punishment or discipline, it is time to teach them how to act appropriately.

Let them know that if they want someone to move out of their way, they should touch them lightly on the shoulder (so that person knows they are talking to them) and then say “excuse me” in an inside voice. That may seem overly specific to an adult, but it is important that you detail each step they should take to set them up for success.

Make up a “code” that they can use if they need/want your attention when you are on the phone or in a conversation. This can be them coming up and touching your knee or putting up their hand.

Also let them know what to expect before you start your conversation or phone call. Make sure they have a toy or activity that they can do on their own and give them some troubleshooting tips for common problems (“If the green button sticks, try pushing the blue one to pop it back up”). Let them know in what instances they can come and get you (“If it flashes red, come touch my knee and I will help you”).

Role play

A great way to show kids what to do in certain situations is to role play. Let them pretend to be the adult on the phone and you can be them trying to politely get your attention.

Include your spouse or an older sibling in the role play. Show them how to kindly ask someone to move out of their way.

Once you have shown them what to do, let them practice with you in both roles.

As with every lesson, remember to do this in neutral times. These messages will not get through and “sink in” if they are taught in the heat of the moment such as right after a fight over a toy.

Model the behavior

Another thing that applies to everything we teach our children is the fact that we must practice what we teach.

If you go through the effort of showing your child how to be polite to others and then you are rude to a store clerk while your child is with you, all is lost.

We are not perfect and sometimes you will act in a way you are not proud of. If this happens, recognize it, and talk to your child about it.

“Wow! I really lost my temper there. I should not have said that. I am sorry about the way I acted. Next time, I will take some deep breaths and remember that we all make mistakes sometimes.”

Admitting that you did something wrong and showing how to correct it is one of the most powerful lessons you can ever teach your little one.

Remind again and again

Like other lessons, the key here will be repetition.

It can be frustrating when you feel like you have told them 1,000 times to say thank you when someone gets them a snack but hearing it again and again is solidifying the concept in their mind and they will eventually get it.

Some children need more reminders and repetition than others (children with ADHD often need more help and time to “get” something like this and use it consistently).

I know what you are thinking, “I am so tired of nagging them all of the time!” However, reminders do not have to be the entire message repeated. You can find a way to say one word or use an action as a reminder (such as tapping your knee if they are interrupting you on the phone).

Manners are not instinctual. Although these social courtesies may seem like second nature to us as adults, we all had to have them taught to us. You can be your child’s guide to learning the rules of social interaction and set them up for success for a lifetime.