What to do when your child yells at you

By Stacie Gaetz

“The truth about rage is that it only dissolves when it is really heard and understood, without reservation.”—Carl Rogers

There are countless books, blogs and articles about tactics parents can use to avoid yelling at their children.

We are told to make sure they are safe and then walk away, take deep breaths, make time for self-care, better prepare them by telling them what is expected in advance… the list goes on and on.

But what can you do when it is the child doing the yelling?

Kids like to be loud, no doubt, but there is a big difference between your child’s voice being raised in volume and frequent argumentative screaming matches.

Kids get frustrated. Their brains are not fully developed, and they need to learn the tools to manage anger, so it isn’t always released in a “temper tantrum” complete with yelling and throwing things.

How can you keep it together when they have completely lost their cool and help teach them how to manage without falling into the fight they seem to be pushing for?

Connection and communication

This statement may be frustrating but the most important thing to do when a child is yelling is to stay calm. If you need to take a page out of the “How not to yell at your kids” handbook by taking some deep breaths and walking away for a moment to do so, that’s fine.

When you are ready to approach your child, you must do so in a way that shows you are listening.

For a young child, you can say something like: “I’m listening, and I think you have something important to say. Can you say it in a way that makes me want to listen?”

If they don’t seem to know how to communicate what they want in a clear and kind way, help them. You could say, “Thank you, mom but I don’t want any right now. Can I have it after TV time?”

For an older child try: “I hear that you are upset. When you are ready, you can come to me in the living room, and we can talk about the problem respectfully.”

Acknowledge that what they are going through is difficult. When a child of any age is in full meltdown, you cannot teach, reason, or explain anything to them. All you can do is let them know you are there for them and you are sorry they are upset.

Saying something like “You are so upset about this… I’m sorry this is so hard for you” can truly be the switch that flips them from lashing out at you to realizing you are there to help them. This is especially effective if they are used to hearing negative comments from their parents or adults when they show these behaviors.

Find a solution

Once you know the problem, you can work together to find a solution.

For children young or older this can look like:

• Giving them a choice of acceptable paths they can take rather than saying, “You must do this.”
• Giving them more time to finish what they were doing if you were trying to transition to a new activity. “Let’s set a timer for five minutes and then put the screen away.”
• Finding a compromise. “Why don’t you tell your sister that you are not done playing with the toy and then we will set a timer for three minutes before we give it to her and play with something else.”

Set limits

If your child is one that hits, kicks, bites, or throws things when they are mad, they need to be taught that it is okay to feel angry, but it is not okay to act in certain ways. Saying something like “You can be as mad as you want but it is not okay to hit, no matter how upset you are. You can stomp your feet to show me how mad you are. No hitting.”

It is important to keep yourself and other family members safe while a child is in meltdown mode. You can say something like “I am still here with you, but I am going to move back a bit to keep us both safe. When you are ready for a hug. I am here.”

Come back to the subject when things are calm (possibly right before bed) and ask how hitting you, their friend or sibling made them feel. This will help them remember that it did not feel good to hurt someone they love. This is also a great time to talk more about what they can do instead (walk away, punch a pillow or punching bag, stomp, say “I’m feeling angry,” make fists with their hands etc)

Model respect

As with every aspect of parenting, you can tell your kids something until you are blue in the face but if you turn around and do the opposite, they will never learn (or truly respect you).

Make sure you are treating them and your spouse with respect.

Practice versions of all these tactics with everyone in your life from your partner and friends to your professional life. The more your child sees you implementing these tools, the more they will take what you say and do to heart.

You can even share examples of how you used these tactics in other parts of your life with your kids. “I had to write an email today and the person was upset because their order hadn’t arrived yet, but I told them I completely understood their frustration and that we would work together to come up with a solution that we could both be happy with.”

We all get frustrated from time to time, and we will all yell every now and then, no matter our age or position in the family. But we also all deserve to feel respected and safe in our homes.

Be there for them

Before completely moving on from the subject, let your child know that you are confident that they will ask politely/use respect next time.

Also tell them that you will be there to help and then make sure you keep that promise.

If they start yelling at you or a sibling, intervene by saying, “I will help you. I think you have something important to say. Remember, we want to say it in a way that will make him/her/me want to listen.”

It can help to remember that children face several hurts and fears throughout the day that they can’t verbalize and we as parents don’t even know about them. When a child is throwing a tantrum about you giving them the “wrong plate,” it is almost always about something other than the “blue one”. When a child is being “impossible” and seemingly looking for a fight, they just need to release these emotions with someone they trust in a safe space. Be that person and place.

It can be absolutely heart wrenching when your child is yelling that they hate you and want a new mom or dad, but what they are actually saying is that they are upset and have no other way to show how badly they need your help. Once you have taught them that they don’t have to raise their voice and be mean to be heard, they will develop the capacity to express their feelings more appropriately. This won’t happen overnight and will require a number of reminders and patience on your part, but it is an incredibly important (maybe one of the most important) life skill that you will share with them.