The No 1 thing I do to boost my children’s self-confidence

By Stacie Gaetz

As parents, we may think that the most important things we teach our children are skills like walking, talking, reading and writing.

According to many recent studies, one of the most critical things for our children to learn from us is self-confidence.

Instilling the belief in our kids that they can accomplish a task or overcome a challenge is a big part of our job.

One way that I do this (and have practiced since my kids were very small) may seem silly but it has a big impact.

It isn’t even something I talk about with them. Instead, I talk about them – to their stuffed animals, a puppet, the dog, their dad, their friend’s parents and/or their sibling.

After a hard day, a challenging situation or something that I am proud of them for occurs, I talk to someone else in the house about what a great job they did knowing that they will overhear it.

This can sound like “Avianna really had trouble getting all the way across on the monkey bars at the park today, but she didn’t give up or get frustrated! She kept trying and trying and she even calmly asked me for help when she needed it! It made her feel so good when she got all the way across!”

Or “Pearson had a hard day when a little boy in his class pushed him but instead of pushing back or crying, he went to the teacher and told her what happened and they found a solution together. What a responsible way to handle the situation! I am so proud of him!”

Your children can only feel confident in themselves when you remind them what they can accomplish.

The “overhearing” tactic allows you to talk about times that they faced a challenge in their lives and how they overcame it.

This can also be done in the moment. When you child is frustrated, you can ask the teddy bear how they think your child can find a solution. Ask if they have ever had this problem before and how they solved it.

Talking to another person, animal or object can take away the “lecture” portion of teaching a lesson and add a bit of fun a whimsy into what would otherwise be a serious and even uncomfortable conversation.

Here are three other simple ways you can help increase your children’s self-confidence:

Start small

Big achievements begin with small steps and as parents we can help our children believe that they can achieve great things by noticing the small things they already excel at.

Saying something like, “Your printing is really improving now that we are writing every night! Look how round your letters are!” or “Wow! You are kicking the ball almost every time you try now that we have been playing soccer in the yard on the weekends!” is a big boost to your child’s self-esteem and reminds them that they are capable.

Do be careful here though. Make sure the praise is specific and earned. Kids are smart and they know if you are praising them without them having earned it. This kind of praise will feel hollow and fake to them and doesn’t do anyone any good.

Once they have mastered a task, a great way to help children increase their abilities is to use the sentences “I wonder if…” and “Do you think…”

These are powerful questions because you are not seen as directly pushing them to take the next step. You are simple curious about what is possible.

“Do you think you could write a one-page letter to grandma, and we could mail it to her?”

“I wonder if you can kick the ball with the other foot?”

Feeling good about a small win can lead to increased confidence and provides the momentum to attempt new challenges and experience more successes.

Let them know that you are there to support them

This can be a tricky one because what does “support them” mean?

It is often difficult for parents to master the balance between doing something for their child and helping them learn to do it themselves.

Try asking yourself, “Is the way I’m teaching this going to help them do it themselves or just help them get it done this one time?”

Another way you can help your kids is by being aware of how you speak to them. We have all heard that term that the voice you speak to them in becomes their inner voice. It’s true. The messages kids hear about themselves from others easily translate into how they feel about themselves.

The best way to do this is to focus less (or not at all) on the problem (“You are so lazy!”) and more on what you would like done (“Can you please clean your room?”) and then help them to do that task by showing them exactly what needs to be done step by step or writing a list for them to check off as they complete each task.

Most importantly, let your children know that your love is unconditional. No matter how something they are trying to do turns out, no matter what decision they make, you will be there for them. You will help them come up with a solution and move on from any problem they encounter because although the goal is for them to be independent and not need you anymore one day, they aren’t there yet.

Remind them that it is worth it

It can help to remind your children about a time they did something well, came up with a solution or got through a difficult time and how good it felt.

When we are in the middle of a problem, things can seem hopeless, and it is easy to get bogged down with all the reasons you can’t do something.

Help boost their confidence by reminding them how great it felt to score the goal in the first game of the season even though they weren’t feeling 100 percent that day or or how proud they were of themselves when they nailed their solo at the piano recital despite their nerves.

Although there is no need to create a direct “reward” for every task or success, it is appropriate in some circumstances. So go out for ice cream after the race and buy the flowers to hand them after their play.

What we believe about ourselves impacts how we feel and therefore what we do. Help your children learn to make the right decisions by first believing that they can.