Family rules 101

By Stacie Gaetz

Chances are you already have a few family rules that you live by without even realizing they are “rules.”

We all have certain morals and values that help guide the ways we act at home and when we are out and about.

Examples of family rules that you may already have could include:

• Treat others as you want to be treated
• Be kind and gentle
• Use inside voices inside

Although you know what behavior is acceptable (and what isn’t), labeling your specific expectations may be a little tricky, but it can be important that you do to keep the peace in your home.

If you are noticing that your children are not listening as well as you would like them to or following these rules as consistently as they used to, it might be time for a family meeting to help remind everyone of the things that are important to your family.

Children learn best when rules are communicated clearly, used consistently, and followed through with.

Communicate clearly

It can be a good idea to come up with your family’s rules together. Ask your children what they think is important to them. Take the opportunity to turn a problem into a rule. For example, if one child is playing too roughly with another and they come and tell on their sibling, let them know that “being gentle” might be a good family rule.

Giving your children some say in the rules will increase the likelihood that they will follow them later.

Family rules should be realistic and fit your child’s age. Young children won’t be able to understand more than two or three words. A good example of a rule preschoolers can understand would be “no interrupting.” If a rule is presented as a “no” or “don’t” statements, it should be followed up with an idea of what they should do. “No interrupting. If you want someone’s attention while they are talking, touch their forearm and they will speak with you as soon as they can.”

Get your children to repeat the rule back to you and role play it once or twice so you know they understand it.

It can be a good idea to post the rules somewhere prominent in the home, like in the kitchen so everyone can see them, and you can refer to them when needed. You can even post them in picture form for very young children who can’t read.

Use consistently

Rules help children to feel safe and secure. Although they may forget them or even test them on purpose from time to time, when your rules are clear, you will be less likely to get into power struggles with your child.

For children to successfully follow the rules, they need to meet a few criteria.

Family rules should:

• Be fair
• Be easy to understand
• Tell children what to do as well as what not to do

If your rule is “no jumping on the furniture,” it should be followed up with “we sit on our bums on the couch.”

However, perhaps the most important aspect of family rules is that they are followed consistently.

If the rule is “no screen time at meals” but mom or dad check their phones when they get an email or text during dinner, that sends mixed messages. Family rules are for the whole family.

Make sure you have no more than five rules, so it is realistic for everyone in the family to follow them each and every time.

Follow through

In addition to talking about the rules and what to do instead, you should make it clear to the child what the consequence will be for breaking the rule. This information can be included on the family rule sheet that is posted in the house.

Make sure the consequence makes sense in context. If the rule is “no screen time at meals” and your child breaks it, they will lose access to their tablet or phone for the rest of the evening. Make sure to include the timeframes in the description of the consequence so your child won’t try to negotiate.

Let them know that if the problem happens again on the same day, it will be taken away again and for longer.

On the flip side of this, it is even more effective to notice when your child is following the rules and to praise them very specifically about it.

This could look like, “Great job picking up your blocks. You remembered that one of our family rules is to clean up after yourself and you did that well without even being asked!”

You could also say something like, “Thank you for saying sorry to your sister right away when you accidently knocked over her tower. You know that one of our family rules is to make amends if you hurt someone and helping her build it again made her feel better.”

Lastly, although rules should be followed consistently, they are not set in stone. Rules may need to be changed or even removed (as well as adding others) as your children get older because the behaviors you want to encourage (and discourage) will change as they grow.

Examples of family rules:

• Be kind and gentle
• Use your inside voice inside
• No running in the house
• No jumping on furniture
• No screen time at meals
• Pick up after yourself
• Make amends if you hurt someone
• Don’t interrupt
• Be honest
• Ask permission to use other people’s belongings
• Knock on doors before entering a room
• Treat people and property with respect