How to help your child be a self-advocate

By Stacie Gaetz

Of all the things you teach your child to do as they grow, one of the most important may also be the most overlooked.

Teaching your children to advocate for themselves in an age-appropriate way is just as important as learning to walk, potty train, read or tie their shoes.

Self-advocacy seems like a grown-up concept but all it truly means is effectively communicating your needs to someone else.

As parents, it is our job to anticipate our children’s needs from a very young age. When they are babies and are too young to tell us what is wrong, we need to know when they need to be fed or changed or put to sleep. As a result, we get to know our children very well, which is a good thing and a big part of our job while they are infants.

However, if we continue to pre-emptively anticipate their needs and cater to them as they get older, they will not learn the communication skills they need to tell others what they want or need – an imperative aspect of life.

Here are five ways you can help your child advocate for themselves effectively:

Encourage independence

Let your children make decisions on their own. Children as young as two or three can make small decisions throughout the day with your help. It is most effective if you give them only two or three choices. This will help them know what they want and how to get it.

As they get older, they can start making more important choices like what to wear to school, what to put in their lunches, what extracurricular activities to take part in, what electives to sign up for etc.

Be self-aware

Help your children identify their strengths and weaknesses so they are more aware of when they may need to ask for help (more on how to do that in the next point). If your elementary schooler knows that they excel in writing but need some extra help in math, they are more likely to ask the teacher to explain the assignment again and be open to receiving additional help from a tutor. It can help for you to share what you are good at and what things you sometimes need to work harder on to let them know we all excel at some things and not others.

How to ask for help

We’ve all heard the quote: “Asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness, it is a sign of strength.” Make sure your children know this. Model asking for help from and around your children. You can even point out times in your day that you needed help. “I couldn’t quite reach the top shelf to get that bowl up there so I asked your dad if he could help me.” Find opportunities to ask your children for help (even if they are very young) so they can see how important others feel when they ask them for assistance. “Wow! Thank you so much for helping me put away all those toys! It would have taken me much longer if you weren’t here to help me out!”

Encourage problem solving

It is a parent’s instinct to solve our children’s problems for them. When there is an issue at school, you email their teacher. When they have a fight with a friend, you text the parent. What if you took the time to ask more questions and “solve” less. Asking them thought-provoking questions that will get them thinking about what they can do to solve the problem can open the door to independence. You can even role play and take turns switching who plays each person to get a full view of the situation and consider if from all angles.

What to do when it gets tough

Sticking up for themselves and communicating their needs can sometimes lead to conflict.

Most kids shy away from confrontation and often act out instinctively when faced with it. If they are in a situation where they need to advocate for themselves, prepare them for the fact that there may be some uncomfortable conversations.

Give them some tips and tricks like:

• not addressing a situation until they have had time to cool down
• using “I” statements instead oof “you” statements when discussing the problem
• avoiding terms like “always” and “never”
• focusing on finding a reasonable and mutually beneficial solution

These skills don’t come naturally for everyone and there are many of us parents who are still working on our self-advocacy skills. Talking to your children about how to communicate their needs from a young age can help make it a more natural process.